I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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