I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
