Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
