Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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