so that wasnt chicken after all
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
