Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
