dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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