I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
