we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
