Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
