He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
