Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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