Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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