as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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