my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
