that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
