pop tarts are not kleenex
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
