She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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