I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
