We're like a lot better than the average bears
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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