Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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