I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
