Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
