they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
