I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
