My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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