I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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