my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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