I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
