I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
