New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
