Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
