If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i think i just lost a toe
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
