After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
