can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
