How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
