She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
