life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
