(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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