dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize