i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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