dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
