He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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