Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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