She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
