Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
