Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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