Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
