she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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