Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
