You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
