I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
