this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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