Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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