The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
