dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
barbara walters just said penis...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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